Today, I told you my marriage & family were in trouble.. a lot of things going through my mind this moment. I need to get them off my chest:
1. Do I want to write about this?
2. Is it proper to put it out there in the public venue?
3. Am I causing scandal?
4. What would my priest tell me? What would Jesus tell me? What would Mary tell me?
I’ve known I’ve been a writer for a very long time, for what purpose, I still don’t know.. I’m spread so thin at the moment, that that I’ve a loss of focus, which happens frequently. I’m still trying to figure out what the impact of family troubles has on fulfilling my vocation as a writer – what I believe to be my authentic vocation, my true vocation.
*I think God put me on this earth to reach people through language. He wanted me to see the world through language. His language, His liturgy.. His love, His peace, His Life, His Joy, His Passion, His pain.. everything.
I ended up in an English classroom.. I guess that was the first step.
This next step is telling the Truth in the language that I know.
The pain is raw, this is when it gets us close and is most Truthful, so yes, I will write about it.
Considerations for #2 – I will keep this as anonymous as possible, the perspective as merciful as possible. This will not be a crying fest. I am doing this to see this through the lens of the Cross as saints do. I can only do this if I’m not a bad person in the way I portray my story. I won’t do it to those I love.
Considerations for #3 – I hope I’m not causing scandal. When I see it, sense it, I will stop. My hope is to give hope to others to bear their Crosses and to Love. I need to get back to this place where I had been. I am downtrodden. I know many have experienced this before. Maybe if I leave a trail of breadcrumbs, little posts of prayer cards here in there marked with the stain of my blood, souls will turn to God.
That’s really all I want..
Considerations for #4 – Jesus would tell me to hold my thoughts up to the Truth, to use Him as a standard, like I did back in October of next year. For a few glorious days, I .. spiritually? .. had Him near me*, where I could turn to Him with thoughts to see what Right in a moment. To turn to Him like this! Always! I feel I have fallen from grace.. maybe not, I will only know in retrospect. All I can do is try to keep close to Him, make sure I am in a state of [sanctifying grace].. and my loved ones, too. This is all for naught if I do not open myself and do all I can to take care of them.
Last Consideration: never written.. what happened that day was my daughter was in a car wreck with my husband and all hell broke loose in the house. Neither one was seriously injured — you can thank our Tahoe — but that night felt like 20 years of whatever troubles we evaded, whatever demons we’d cast off from ourselves & our extended family, just came & evidenced themselves.. “we’re still here,” they seemed to say. How this related to my writing vocation, I haven’t a clue.. except that 2 days later, I started my Water to Wine substack with changing wineskins, my first post.
I’ve been consistently writing, developing my voice — watching God’s work in my soul & in the world around me — ever since.
Praise God, all the Glory is His.